my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
