Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
