I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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