Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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