My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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