The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
