I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize