Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
