All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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