So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
