I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
