I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize