Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
did i walk over a car last night?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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