i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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