i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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