I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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