Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize