I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
