i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
