mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
