that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
