This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
