those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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