Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Let's get the cat blown out
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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