The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
