Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The best revenge is premature balding
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
