Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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