Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
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