Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I love you. Go after that dick
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
