Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
