So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
