is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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