It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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