dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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