I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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