Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
