quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
