Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize