Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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