well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
