For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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