pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
