You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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