I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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