i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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