I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
