HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
