o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
