It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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