Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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