Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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