all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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