bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
