i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize