what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You may now shotgun with the bride
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
