I need to stop coming to work sober
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
