I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
