I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
