sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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